Recognising the Harm

Written By Salu Creations Pty Ltd

Coercive Control, Power & Violence

Gents, let’s pause.
Coercive control is an ongoing pattern of tactics, emotional, psychological, economic, or technological, used to dominate a partner. It's not always physical. Often, it's quiet, strategic, and hidden under the surface of day-to-day life.

This is domestic violence without the bruises.
And it’s far more common than we think.

What Does Coercive Control Actually Look Like?

It can be hard to recognise these patterns in ourselves, especially if we grew up around them, or we’ve justified them as “normal.” Here’s how to get honest:

Ask yourself: Have I ever…

Control & Surveillance

  • Demanded access to her phone, messages, or emails?

  • Used social media or location tracking to monitor her movements?

  • Insisted on knowing where she is at all times “for her safety”?

Isolation

  • Made it hard for her to spend time with friends or family?

  • Criticised or guilted her for wanting alone time or social time?

  • Controlled when or how she can leave the house, work, or study?

Emotional Domination

  • Frequently belittled, mocked, or put her down, especially in private?

  • Used sarcasm, “jokes,” or passive-aggressive comments to undermine her confidence?

  • Reacted with rage, silence, or withdrawal when you didn’t get your way?

Financial Control

  • Taken control of the finances, income, or spending without agreement?

  • Made her ask for money or justify every purchase?

  • Prevented her from working, studying, or gaining financial independence?

Sexual Pressure

  • Pushed for sex when she wasn’t in the mood or ready?

  • Ignored her body language, fatigue, or emotional state?

  • Used affection, attention, or anger as leverage for intimacy?

Gaslighting

  • Denied things you clearly said or did?

  • Made her question her memory, sanity, or perceptions?

  • Twisted conversations to make yourself the victim?

Threats, Intimidation & Shaming

  • Raised your voice, slammed doors, punched walls, or used physical presence to instil fear?

  • Threatened to take the kids, harm yourself, or ruin her reputation if she left?

  • Publicly embarrassed her or criticised her in front of others?

If any of this feels familiar, even just a little, it's not a character indictment. It's a wake-up call. These behaviours are not signs of love. They’re signs of control. And they hurt.

Even if You’ve Exploded Just Once

Even if you’ve only lost it once, raised your voice, punched a wall, thrown something, or exploded with rage, it creates a lasting imprint. For your partner, that moment doesn’t just disappear. It plants a seed of fear. From then on, she may begin to shape her behaviour around avoiding that. She might withdraw, go quiet, appease, or stop speaking her truth, not because you told her to, but because her nervous system remembers what happened when she didn’t comply. That’s how coercive control takes root, not just through rules, but through fear of what happens when the rules are broken.

This isn’t about guilt. It’s about impact. And once you understand the impact, you can take real responsibility for creating safety again, not just physically, but emotionally.

The Real Picture: Not a “Few Bad Apples”

  • In Australia, 1 in 3 men (35%) report using emotional, physical, or sexual abuse against a partner by 2022—an increase from 1 in 4 just years prior (AIFS, 2023).

  • Coercive control is present in up to 99% of domestic violence-related homicides.

  • In 2024 alone, 80 women and children were killed by gendered violence in Australia (Adelaide Now).

  • Emotional and economic abuse are rising, with 1 in 6 women reporting financial control or manipulation (AIHW, 2021).

These aren’t just “bad guys.” These are everyday men. Fathers, sons, brothers. Guys who never threw a punch but still created fear and harm.

So Why Do Some Men Do It?

Because thyr’re afraid.
Because they weren’t shown how to express feelings or handle rejection.
Because deep down, many of them carry shame, abandonment wounds, and fears of being unloved.
Because control feels safer than vulnerability.

But there’s another way. A stronger way.

What Real Strength Looks Like

True power isn’t found in domination, it’s found in presence.
It’s the ability to sit with your discomfort, speak with respect, and allow your partner her full dignity, even when she’s angry, distant, or doesn’t agree with you.

Real leadership in a relationship means taking ownership. Not controlling. Not collapsing. Not blaming.

How to Start Changing

1. Acknowledge it

Denial keeps the cycle alive. Honesty starts the healing. Even if you’re not proud of your behaviour, it’s not the end of your story.

2. Seek support

You don’t have to do this alone.

For Men

  • 📞 MensLine Australia — 24/7 support: 1300 78 99 78 (mensline.org.au)

  • 🧠 Changing for Good — behaviour change program for men who’ve used violence (dss.gov.au)

For Women or Victims of Control

  • 📞 1800RESPECT — 24/7 national service: 1800 737 732 (1800respect.org.au)

  • 🛡️ NSW Coercive Control Help — Get support or make a safety plan

3. Build emotional literacy

Learn to recognise your nervous system, your triggers, your defences.
Practice naming your feelings and needs without controlling others to meet them.

4. Replace control with connection

Instead of asking: “How can I make her behave differently?”
Ask: “How can I be a safer, more conscious man in this moment?”

Final Words

To the man reading this:
If you’re still here, that means you care. That means you’re willing to look. And that willingness is everything. The path to transformation isn’t instant, but it’s available. Right now. To you.

This is about reclaiming a deeper, more conscious masculinity. One rooted not in fear or domination, but in presence, purpose, humility, and love.

You’re not alone in this.
And if you’re ready, there’s help.

Helpful Resources Recap

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