Maybe It’s Me…

Couples

21 July

***10 Ways You Might Be Sabotaging Safety and Connection in Your Relationship (Without Realising It)***

If You Keep Getting the Same Result, Maybe It’s You

Most people use unhelpful communication strategies for one core reason:
They want to feel safe, seen, and loved for who they really are.
Under the defensiveness, blame, silence, or control is a longing to feel close, connected, and understood.

But here’s the paradox:
The very strategies we use to protect connection often end up destroying it.
They create the opposite of what we’re truly longing for.

In my couples work, I see this all the time. And I want to be clear:
The suggestions I share below aren’t just gentler or more respectful.
They’re far more effective, quicker, and more sustainable at meeting the need for emotional safety, connection, and intimacy than the habitual reactive behaviours we’ve learned to rely on.

So if your arguments keep going in circles…
If you say the same things and nothing changes…
If the spark feels buried under tension, silence, or reactivity…

It might be time to stop pointing the finger and start getting curious.

This isn’t about shame or blame.
It’s about reclaiming your power, and practicing something that actually works.

1. Blame

“You always…”
“You never…”
Blame makes one person the problem. It closes the door to accountability and care.

Try this instead: Use “I feel… when… because…” statements to stay grounded in your own experience and invite dialogue, not defence.

2. Shutdowns & Stonewalling

When things get heated, you check out. Disappear. Numb out.
Often, this is a nervous system protecting itself—but it can leave your partner feeling punished or abandoned.

Try this instead: Say, “I need a pause to regulate, but I care and I’ll come back.” Then actually come back.

3. Defensiveness

“That’s not what I said!”
“You’re twisting this!”
Defensiveness protects your image but blocks connection.

Try this instead: Ask yourself, “Is there a part of this that’s true, or worth understanding?” You can validate without agreeing with everything.

4. Mind Reading & Assumptions

“You obviously don’t care.”
“You just said that to hurt me.”
When you assume, you shut down curiosity.

Try this instead: Ask, “Can you help me understand what you meant by that?” Let your partner speak for themselves.

5. Fixing Instead of Feeling

You offer advice when all they want is your presence. It comes from good intentions—but often lands as disconnection.

Try this instead: Say, “I’m here. That sounds really hard. Do you want me to just listen or offer suggestions?”

6. Historical Weaponry

Bringing up past wounds mid-argument turns the present into a battlefield.

Try this instead: Focus on the current issue. If past hurts need attention, book a time to repair intentionally.

7. Interrupting or Over-Talking

Speaking over your partner or hijacking the conversation breaks trust and blocks clarity.

Try this instead: Let them finish. Reflect back what you heard before offering your response.

8. Withholding or Weaponising Silence

Going cold or emotionally retreating as a form of control leaves the other person confused and alone.

Try this instead: Be honest about your need for space. Say, “I need time to settle, but I’m here and we’ll come back to this.”

9. Expecting Mind-Reading

You keep quiet about your needs but expect your partner to meet them. When they don’t, you resent them.

Try this instead: Clearly and calmly express your needs. That’s how emotional maturity is built.

10. Turning Against Instead of Turning Toward

When things get hard, you brace for battle. You forget you’re on the same team.

Try this instead: Place your hand on your heart and say (even internally), “This is hard—and I still choose to move toward you, not away.”

Bonus: This Isn’t About Being a Pushover

Being accountable for your part doesn’t mean tolerating harmful behaviour.
You can set boundaries without blame.
You can protect your needs without shutting down.

In fact, boundaries are more effective when they’re clear, kind, and clean—not reactive or punishing.

You might say:

“I care about this relationship. I want us to communicate better—and I won’t keep engaging if it stays this toxic.”

That’s not weakness. That’s strength.

And What If You’re Already Doing All This?

If you’ve done the inner work…
If you communicate clearly, take responsibility, regulate your nervous system, and set healthy boundaries…
but your partner keeps communicating in ways that harm, shame, or control—

Then it’s time to ask: What am I willing to live with, and for how long?

Sometimes the next step is couples counselling.
Sometimes it’s a deeper look at your own non-negotiables.
And sometimes, it's asking with honesty: Is this relationship aligned with the kind of love and safety I want to build my life around?

Protecting your own dignity is part of the path.

What’s Really Going On Beneath It All?

None of these patterns exist without a reason.
They’re not signs of brokenness—they’re signs of protection.

Most unhelpful communication strategies come from a deeper place:
A wound we’ve kept in the box.

A fear that says:

“If I speak my truth, I’ll be rejected.”
“If I soften, I’ll be controlled.”
“If I show need, I’ll be abandoned.”

In the Map of Relational Possibilities I often share with couples, I speak about how our relationships can only grow as deep as we’re willing to feel.
If you want to change the outer pattern, you must first meet the inner wound.

That’s where healing begins.
That’s where true partnership becomes possible.