It’s Up to You
The 20/80 Rule of Couples Counselling
Why Most of the Change Happens Outside the Session
I want to let you in on something that surprises almost every couple I work with.
Only about twenty to thirty percent of your success in couples counselling happens in the room with me. The rest, the seventy to eighty percent, happens in your home, in the kitchen, in the car, in the bedroom, and in the tiny everyday moments where your patterns come alive and your choices matter.
The session is the safe place where we practise, learn, experiment and co-create healing moments. But your real relationship is not lived on my couch. Your relationship is made in everyday decisions between fear and love.
That is where the real work happens.
If you only practise this for one hour a week and then fall back into the same reactive habits for the other one hundred and sixty seven hours, nothing changes.
The transformation lives outside the session. That is where you tend to the garden of your love. That is where the nervous system learns to settle around each other. That is where the cycle changes.
So let me outline what success can actually look like between sessions. These are the every day courageous pivots to love.
Self Regulation Before Engagement
You cannot create emotional safety when your nervous system is in a survival state.
Out of session you practise:
grounding
diaphragm breathing
the physiological sigh
stepping outside for two minutes to regulate
noticing what part of you is speaking
choosing the wise adult rather than the wounded child
This is the foundation of a conscious relationship.
Without this, nothing else works.
Generosity
Simple everyday acts of selfless generosity make the world of difference.
Giving your partner the benfit of the doubt
Assuming they have the best intentions
Gifting the love languages: time, touch, words, gifts, support
Noticing more about them
Given them more airtime to speak
Gifting more words about yourself for them
Little time and effort, mountains of soothing balm on the years to come.
Daily Micro Repairs
Not every rupture needs a two hour conversation. In fact, the strongest couples are the ones who repair in minutes, not months.
A small moment like,
“I can feel tension between us, I care about you, can we reset”
changes the entire trajectory of the day.
You do not wait for a blow up. You notice the disconnection early and reach for each other.
Conscious Communication in Real Time
When you feel activated, hurt, misunderstood or defensive, this is when the work truly begins.
You practise:
slowing down
naming what is happening inside you
owning your part
asking for what you need
staying connected to your breath
staying out of attack, blame or scorekeeping
You speak from the skin in, not from the skin out.
Turning Toward Bids for Connection
Your partner reaches for you in subtle ways all day. A look, a comment, a question, a sigh.
Turning toward the bid is one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction.
Turning away or turning against is one of the strongest predictors of relationship breakdown.
Outside the session you practise saying yes to connection in small ways.
You stay open.
You stay curious.
You let them in.
Following Through on Agreements
Trust is not built from one deep conversation.
Trust is built from small consistent behaviours over time.
Outside the session you follow through on:
responsibilities
routines
commitments
boundaries
agreements you have made in the session
This shows your partner that you can be counted on.
Practising Emotional Safety Daily
Emotional safety is not a feeling. It is created by behaviour.
You practise:
respecting emotions
staying present during conflict
softening your tone
speaking with kindness
not weaponising vulnerability
not using emotions to punish each other
Emotional safety is created through a thousand small moments of care.
Being Responsible for Your Own Inner World
Outside the session, you stop outsourcing your emotional state to your partner.
You practise:
naming your feelings
identifying your needs
catching your projections
noticing when childhood patterns are activated
separating the past from the present
Self responsibility is the cornerstone of conscious love.
Scheduling Time for Love to Breathe Again
Connection does not magically appear. You create the space for it.
Out of session you schedule:
daily check ins
time without devices
moments of affection
date nights
conversations about how you are actually going
moments of play, humour and softness
Relationships grow where attention goes.
The grass in greener where you water it
Your relationship is very much like a garden.
It needs all of the above and regularly.
When you water your garden daily it thrives.
We can point the finger all we like, or we can take responsibility for the quality of care and attention we are giving each other.
This is how you rewire the cycle.
Powerful Questions
Spend a few minutes each day with one or two of these questions.
Am I being generous or guarded with my partner today?
(attention, tone, presence, patience)What is happening inside me right now?
(emotion, sensation, story, need)Am I speaking from my wise adult or my wounded child?
Have I taken responsibility for my part in the emotional field today?
What am I focusing on?
(their flaws or my values, my purpose, my next step)Is my behaviour creating emotional safety or emotional threat?
Am I turning toward my partner’s bids for connection or away from them?
Is my tone kind, respectful and clear?
Do I need to regulate before I communicate?
What does my partner actually need from me right now?
(presence, softness, space, clarity, reassurance)Is there a repair I need to initiate?
Am I choosing connection or protection?
Am I acting in line with the man or woman I want to be in this relationship?
So What Do I Want You To Take From This
Therapy gives you the map.
But the two of you have to walk the path.
You don’t need to be perfect.
You need to be more conscious.
You need to practise.
You need to take responsibility for your part of the emotional field.
I can guide you, hold space, and help you understand the cycle. But you create the relationship through the choices you make every day.
When couples understand this, the entire dynamic shifts.
That is when you finally stop reacting to each other and start turning toward each other.
That is when your relationship becomes a safe place again.
That is when love becomes possible again.
Want More?
Share The Love!
