Loving Language
A Guide to Nonviolent Communication for Couples
Reading Time: 6–7 Minutes
In the dance of intimate relationships, communication is the rhythm that keeps us in sync. And yet, how often do we find ourselves stepping on each other’s toes, not out of spite, but because we’ve fallen out of rhythm?
Nonviolent Communication (NVC), developed by Marshall Rosenberg, offers a way back to harmony. It’s not just about how we speak, it’s about how we listen, how we show up, and how we choose to connect, even when it’s hard.
The Four Steps of NVC
At its core, NVC is made up of four simple (but not always easy) components:
Observation (without evaluation)
Describe what’s happening, purely and clearly, without judgment or interpretation.Instead of: "You’re always on your phone during dinner."
Try: "I noticed you looked at your phone a few times while we were eating."Feelings (not thoughts or blame)
Share what you're actually feeling—not what you think about the other person."I felt sad and a little disconnected."
Needs (the universal human ones)
Connect those feelings to what matters to you on a deeper level."I really value quality time when we’re together."
Requests (not demands)
Ask for something that might help meet the need—something doable and specific."Would you be open to leaving phones aside while we eat together?"
This isn’t just a script, it’s a shift in mindset. And it only really works when we’re able to be present, open, and regulated in our nervous systems.
Ownership of Our Own Story
Before we even name our feelings, it helps to own the story we started running inside:
When this happened… I thought to myself _____ …
(and that story then fuelled my feelings and unmet needs).
Simply voicing the assumption, without presenting it as fact, creates space for clarity and connection.
You can even invite a gentle reality-check with one sentence:
“I noticed you looked at your phone a few times while we were eating, and I caught myself thinking you were bored with me. Is that true?”
One question, offered with genuine curiosity, can dissolve an entire spiral of misunderstanding. And remember, your partner is the expert on their inner world. Trusting their answer, and assuming the best, honours both their integrity and the choice you’ve made to share a life together.
NVC Is About How You Listen, Too
Most people focus on how to talk using NVC. But the real magic happens when we use it to listen. That means:
Listening for what your partner might be feeling, even if they’re not saying it directly.
Listening for the need behind the complaint, the tone, or even the silence.
Being curious rather than reactive.
When both partners are willing to listen this way, even tension can become a doorway into deeper connection.
How to Respond to a Request with Integrity
The point of NVC isn’t to say everything perfectly so your partner has to say yes. While it’s vital in a safe and connected relationship to be open to each other’s feelings and needs, it’s not your job, or your partner’s, to meet every single one.
In fact, if we want our relationships to be relational rather than transactional, we need to bring our authentic selves to the table. That includes clear boundaries, honest emotions, and sometimes, saying no. Real intimacy grows not from perfect agreement, but from truthful, respectful exchange.
In my work, I offer a simple model with four healthy ways to respond to a request, each one rooted in self-awareness and mutual care:
Yes – “I feel good about doing that.”
A genuine yes is freely given, not driven by guilt or pressure.No – “I don’t feel good about doing that.”
A clear no keeps resentment and self-abandonment out of the space.Maybe – “I’m not sure how I feel about that. I’ll check in with myself and get back to you.”
Pausing to find clarity helps prevent half-hearted agreements.Counter-Offer – “I don’t feel good about that, but I would feel good about this instead, would that work for you?”
A counter-offer is a powerful way to stay in connection while honouring your own truth.
How NVC Helps You Avoid the Four Horsemen
John Gottman’s research identified four key behaviours that often signal a relationship is in trouble, he called them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:
Criticism – attacking your partner’s character
Defensiveness – denying responsibility or blaming back
Contempt – sarcasm, eye-rolling, or superiority
Stonewalling – emotionally shutting down
NVC offers a healthy alternative to each one:
Instead of criticism, we describe what we observe.
Instead of defensiveness, we own our feelings and needs.
Instead of contempt, we express our vulnerability.
Instead of stonewalling, we pause, regulate, and return to connection when we’re ready.
Learning to communicate compassionately more often leads to a mouthful trust and a natural decline in violent communication.
You Don’t Have to Use It Like a Script
These four steps aren’t a formula to follow perfectly, they’re more like a compass. The real power of NVC comes when we embody the principles rather than try to sound like we’ve memorised the steps. You can use any one part, naming a feeling, connecting to a need, or simply pausing to check your nervous system, and it can make a difference.
Sometimes it’s just the inner shift that matters: from blame to ownership, from shutdown to curiosity, from fear to care.
Even one small moment of connection, “I’m actually feeling anxious and need some clarity”, can turn the whole conversation around.
Self-Regulation Is the Foundation
Here’s the thing: NVC doesn’t work if you’re dysregulated.
If you’re activated, angry, shut down, overwhelmed, your nervous system is in survival mode. You won’t be able to access curiosity, compassion, or even clear language. You’ll be communicating from protection, not connection.
So before you even open your mouth, ask:
Am I regulated enough to communicate with care?
Is my partner in a state where they can receive me?
If the answer is no, the most loving thing you can do is pause. Breathe. Move your body. Take space in a way that keeps the relationship safe.
Regulated you = Present you. And present you is who your partner really needs.
Check out my post on Calming for Couples for more on this.
A Journaling Practice to Find Clarity Before You Speak
Before heading into a hard conversation, take a few minutes for yourself with this simple journaling process. You can use it to clarify what’s alive for you and what you need, without projecting it onto your partner.
NVC Self-Reflection:
What am I observing?
(What happened, without judgment?)
→ “What did I see, hear, or experience?”What am I feeling?
(Not what I think—but the emotion underneath.)
→ “Do I feel hurt? Lonely? Anxious? Frustrated?”What do I need or value right now?
(A universal need—like connection, safety, rest, honesty.)
→ “What really matters to me in this situation?”What would help meet this need?
(This could be a request for your partner, or even an action you can take yourself.)
→ “Would it support me to ask for a break, to go for a walk, or to say what I’m feeling gently?”
This kind of inner check-in helps you come to the conversation from a place of self-responsibility and clarity, rather than reactivity.
Final Thoughts
Nonviolent Communication isn’t about saying the right thing. It’s about staying connected, to yourself, to your partner, and to what really matters.
It takes time, practice, and a whole lot of grace. But it’s one of the most powerful ways we can turn conflict into connection and create a relationship that feels safe, vibrant, and real.
If you and your partner want support putting these tools into practice, I offer sessions where we explore this work in a grounded and relational way. Feel free to reach out.
